Batbusters
by Christine M. Greenleaf
Summary: My Halloween story for this year - it's early but I'm excited! :-) While crashing Jonathan Crane's Halloween party early, Joker puts his own spin on his favorite Halloween movie, "Ghostbusters."
1. Chapter 1

**Batbusters**

"Oh my, it's that time of year already!" exclaimed Jervis Tetch, as he opened the door to the apartment he shared with Jonathan Crane to see it covered in terrifying decorations. Skulls and bats hung from the ceiling, pumpkins were scattered around the room, and Crane himself was standing on a ladder, carefully adjusting a sign with blood-red lettering which read _Happy Halloween!_

"Yes, the most wonderful time of the year!" said Crane proudly, as he climbed down the ladder to admire his handiwork. "For some reason, people always think it's acceptable to decorate for Christmas a month in advance, but try doing that with Halloween decorations, and people report you to the police."

"Possibly because your decorations are so realistic," commented Tetch, putting his grocery bags down on the counter, next to a human brain.

"Well, that one is real," said Crane, nodding at it. "I removed it from someone exposed to my latest toxin. You can see how exaggerated the fear stimulus centers are, as compared to a healthy human brain."

"Yes, fascinating," said Tetch, sliding the grocery bags away from it hastily. "I think I've got everything we need for the party tonight, plus extra candy in case we get trick or treaters, that is if the Joker doesn't eat it all."

"I do loathe to invite him, but it's the only way to have Harley come," sighed Crane. "Anyway, I told everyone to save the date, but I've only just finished hand delivering the invitations with the details of our party activity this year. Guess what it is."

"Um…costume contest?" asked Tetch.

"Among these people? We'd be arguing all night," replied Crane. "Guess again."

"Let's see…candy eating contest?" asked Tetch.

"This is my party, remember, Jervis?" asked Crane. "And that's a little too athletic for me."

"Noted," said Tetch, nodding. "How about…some kind of séance?"

"Close," said Crane. "Ghost hunt."

"Ah, ghost hunt," said Tetch, nodding. Then he frowned. "But hang on, there's no proof that ghosts exist, or what the definition of them is if they do. Which would make hunting them rather nonsensical from a scientific point of view."

"Not from a psychological point of view," said Crane. "You're right, Jervis, there are no such things as ghosts, but the myth persists because humanity is easily deluded by its own fears. It imagines it sees things which are not there, and which it cannot explain, and fills in the gaps in knowledge by conjuring up ghosts. Of course we're not going to find any real ghosts tonight, but we are going to explore the fears of everyone we've invited by suggesting ghosts to them, and seeing how they respond. So-called ghost hunting is actually just group hysteria, where people convince each other of the reality of something nonexistent. That's the fascinating aspect of these things to the psychiatric mind, and it's terribly entertaining to watch people grow more terrified and convince others to be terrified over nothing."

"It seems a little cruel," commented Tetch. "Especially if people do believe in ghosts."

"If they're that stupid, they deserve to be frightened," retorted Crane.

There was a knock on their door suddenly. Crane opened it, and was immediately hit with the door as the Joker flung it open, with Harley Quinn cowering behind him, terrified. The Joker was dressed in khaki coveralls, with a huge, backpack-shaped machine on his back, attached to what looked like a gun. "Well, where are they?" he demanded.

"Where are…what?" asked Crane, puzzled.

"The ghosts!" exclaimed Joker. "As you can see, I'm ready to hunt 'em," he said, gesturing to his costume. "Got my proton pack all revved up!"

"Proton…what?" asked Crane.

Joker stared at him. "Really, you don't know what this is from?" he asked. "Ain't you ever seen _Ghostbusters_?"

"No," said Crane. "Is it about exploding ghosts?"

"No, it's a film about…no!" exclaimed Joker. "Exploding ghosts?! I thought you were meant to be a genius!"

"Johnny, this ain't funny," said Harley, still cowering behind Joker. "I can't come to this party if we're gonna hunt ghosts. I'm terrified of ghosts. All that occult, supernatural stuff gives me the heebie jeebies."

"Now pooh, your adoring Mr. J is here to protect you from the mean old ghosts," said Joker, patting her on the head.

"That's a costume, not a real proton pack," said Harley. "I don't think you'd be much use against a real ghost, Mr. J."

"But Harley, there's no such thing as a real…" began Crane.

"You think I can take Batman, but I can't take ghosts?" interrupted Joker. "They're flimsy little sheet things, and he's a real psychopath! I know which one would be easier to bust for sure!"

"I've seen movies where they ain't flimsy little sheet things," said Harley, shivering. "Movies where they're creepy kids, and movies where they're gross and disgusting and rotting, and movies where they climb outta the well and outta the TV…"

"Why do you watch horror movies if they scare you so much?" asked Tetch.

"It's one of the only times Mr. J will let me cuddle him because I'm scared," said Harley, shrugging. "So I make the most of it."

"So…if you want affection, you have to suffer for it?" asked Tetch, slowly.

"That's the way I roll," said Joker, nodding. "So where's the candy? Are we the first ones here?" he asked, heading over to the kitchen and seizing a bag of candy.

"Yes, because the party actually isn't until tonight, as was very clearly written on the invitations…" began Crane.

"Yeah, but Harley said she wasn't gonna leave the house at night because she was too scared by the idea of ghosts, so we had to come early," said Joker, shrugging as he ate a candy bar. "Hope you don't mind, but it's kinda your fault anyway for suggesting ghost hunting to her."

"But Harley, there's no such thing as…" began Crane again, when a knock on the door interrupted him. "Now who could that be?" he asked, opening the door to reveal Edward Nygma.

"Edward, what a…surprise," said Crane. "What are you doing here?"

"I'm here because I'm wondering if you've lost your mind, Crane!" retorted Nygma, holding up his invitation. "Ghost hunting? Really? That wouldn't entertain a child, spending all night looking around for something that doesn't even exist!"

"They do too exist!" snapped Harley. "A cousin of mine had a friend who knew a guy who saw one once!"

"Yes, I'm sure your cousin's friend was completely sober at the time, and not on any mind-altering substances," scoffed Nyma. "Everybody knows that so-called ghosts are just figments of people with overactive imaginations, or people under the influence of hallucinogenic drugs."

"First of all, it was my cousin's friend's acquaintance," retorted Harley. "And second of all, from what I know about him, he ain't the type to make up stories, or take drugs. And back in Brooklyn, our old rabbi once performed a ceremony to exorcise a dybbuk, which isn't technically a ghost, but it's definitely one of those inexplicable creepy things…"

"No, it's a manifestation of a deeper psychological problem," retorted Nygma. "Like people's dependence on religion, for instance. Nothing but silly, backward superstition that idiots cling to."

"Actually, I'm an Anglican," spoke up Tetch. "And I don't think anyone can objectively call me an idiot, not even you, Edward. I just find the more we start to explain about the world through science, the more we realize how much there is still left to explain. And through science, we discover that the things we would have formerly dismissed as fantastic superstition actually do exist. I don't think anyone can say for certain that there is no afterlife, or that what we may call ghosts mightn't be something which will be explainable and perfectly reasonable in a few hundred years. It certainly behooves a man of science to keep an open mind anyway, especially when one lives in a world of superheroes. And even if primitive superstition is all nonsense, if it gives people comfort, where's the harm?"

"I'll tell you what the harm is!" snapped Nygma. "It's completely delusional! Idiots walking around thinking some sky fairy is watching them, living their lives in fear of punishment from him…"

"That's just Superman, isn't it?" chuckled Joker.

"And living in fear of the dead returning to life – it's all so irrational!" continued Nygma, ignoring him. "There's no logic to that kind of belief!"

"That's why it's called faith, I suppose," retorted Tetch. "Anyway, while I don't personally believe in the existence of ghosts, I certainly wouldn't dismiss anyone who did out of hand."

"Well, until I have proof of something so preposterous, I _will_ dismiss it out of hand," sniffed Nygma.

"You guys got a TV?" asked Joker, looking around as he munched on his candy.

"No, we don't," said Crane. "There's never anything good on, and I believe it rots the mind."

"Talk about your irrational beliefs," muttered Joker, sighing. "I just thought while we were waiting for everyone else to arrive, we could watch a movie. I coulda got my copy of _Ghostbusters_ and educated you losers who have never seen it because you've apparently lived under a rock for the past thirty years."

"Why don't you just tell 'em the story, Mr. J?" asked Harley. "Maybe with a little patented Joker embellishment?"

"No, that's ok, we have quite a lot still to do for this party tonight…" began Crane.

"That's a great idea, pooh!" exclaimed Joker, his eyes sparkling. "I got just the twist to put on it! If there's something strange in your neighborhood, who you gonna call? Batbusters! I ain't afraid of no Bat!"

"What does Batman have to do with a ghost?" asked Tetch, puzzled.

"No, don't encourage him…" began Crane.

"Well, you're gonna find out, Hatty!" interrupted Joker cheerfully, tossing his bag of candy at Harley, who began helping herself while seating herself at his feet. "It takes place in a little time called the 80s – hair was big, fashion was loud, music was power-ballady, and I was being played by that guy from _The Shining_ , you know, that 'all work and no play makes Jack a dull Nicholson' guy – a motto for life, by the way…"

"You asked for the incoherent rambling, and you'll regret it," muttered Crane at Tetch as he and Nygma reluctantly sat down next to him. "I guarantee it."


	2. Chapter 2

"You can trust me – I'm a doctor."

"Um…ok," said the man slowly, looking at the three options he was offered. "I guess the…uh…whoopie cushion?"

"I see," said Dr. Joker, looking at the man through his glasses and writing something down on his notepad. "And what draws your attention to that specifically?"

"Well, the…chattering teeth have dynamite in them…and the seltzer bottle says acid on it, so…the whoopie cushion seems like the safest option," said the man.

"Good thinking, and a logical deduction," said Dr. Joker, nodding. "Let's test your hypothesis – pick it up."

The man did so, and was instantly blown to smithereens as it exploded in his hand. "Note to self: people fall for bombs that aren't obvious," said Dr. Joker, not even looking up from his notes at the explosion. "This is good, essential research in both the theory of comedy and mass murder."

He adjusted his fake glasses and lab coat. "And people will do anything if you tell 'em you're a doctor," he said to no one in particular. "That's also something to make a note of."

There was a knock on his door. "Come in!" he called, cheerfully.

A small man in a top hat opened the door. "Is everything all right up here? I heard what sounded like an explosion…"

"Nothing to worry about - it's just a little experiment of mine," replied Dr. Joker, smiling.

"Well, I'm terribly sorry to be that person, but it is a bit of a racket," the man said. "Would you mind keeping it down? We're conducting some rather important research downstairs and need peace and quiet."

"Sure, no problemo!" said Dr. Joker. "My own research is done for the day anyway. There's only so much deep thinking your brain can take at one time before you gotta take a break and just do something mindless. I don't think we've met, by the way – I'm Dr. Joker," he said, holding out his hand to the man.

"Um…why do you have a joy buzzer on your hand?" asked the man.

"Just one of my many quirks," said Dr. Joker, shrugging. "And you are?"

"My name is Dr. Jervis Tetch – my colleagues Dr. Jonathan Crane and Dr. Edward Nygma and I have just moved into the rooms downstairs," said Dr. Tetch.

"I guess that makes me the madman in the attic, huh?" chuckled Dr. Joker. "Geez, I'm sorry, I didn't know they'd sold the downstairs office space, or I would have brought you a housewarming gift or something. I'll buy you a drink later, how about that?"

"Oh well, that's not necessary," said Dr. Tetch. "Although we will probably be spending a great deal of time here. My colleagues and I are devoted to our work."

"Me too," agreed Dr. Joker. "It's my passion and my life."

"It's good to meet a fellow doctor – this isn't the most savory part of town, and we didn't particularly want to share a space with some ruffian," said Dr. Tetch.

"Well, I definitely ain't that," said Dr. Joker, nodding.

"What is your doctorate in?" asked Dr. Tetch.

"Comedy," replied Dr. Joker.

"Oh. I wasn't aware they gave doctorates for that," said Dr. Tetch, surprised.

"Oh yeah, they give 'em for all sorts these days," said Dr. Joker, waving his hand. "Comedy, reading, studying what gender you are, any kinda obvious and self-evident subject."

"So…what sort of research do you do for comedy?" asked Dr. Tetch.

"Well, I'm currently experimenting with people's responses to various joke props for destructive purposes, and their efficiency," replied Dr. Joker. "Got some explosive findings so far," he chuckled. "What are you and your colleagues working on?"

"Oh, well, it's a…very complicated and…very dull scientific study," said Dr. Tetch, slowly. "I'm sure you wouldn't be interested."

"Probably not, but try me," said Dr. Joker.

"It's just…um…difficult to explain to a layman," said Dr. Tetch.

"Well, I am a doctor," said Dr. Joker.

"Yes, but not a doctor of…um…theoretical physics or engineering or parapsychology or anything that might relate to our field," replied Dr. Tetch. "Anyway, I must be getting back to work, but do stop by for tea sometime. But please call first – we wouldn't want you to drop in unexpectedly when we're trying to work. Interruptions can be…disastrous and some of the equipment we use can be…temperamental."

"Why? Is it dangerous?" asked Dr. Joker, eagerly.

"Yes, extremely," said Dr. Tetch, nodding. "Fabric of the universe altering type stuff. Which is why we must be careful during our research. But if it's successful, it could answer one of the oldest questions which has plagued mankind ever since the dawn of time."

"Why did the chicken cross the road?" asked Dr. Joker.

"Um…no," said Dr. Tetch. "Something a little more…complex than that."

"I'm not sure what can be more complex than the motivations of a chicken," said Dr. Joker. "Who knows what goes on in their tiny, devious little minds?"

"Well…quite," stammered Dr. Tetch. "Anyway, best of luck with your…research."

"You too, Tetchy!" chuckled Dr. Joker, as Dr. Tetch left. "Nice guy," Dr. Joker commented to himself. "I suppose I should leave them alone to do their work. But you know what they say, all work and no play makes Jack a dull Nicholson!" he chuckled.

Dr. Joker whistled as he headed into his back room, where he kept all his supplies and equipment, and began making up another whoopie cushion bomb.

"Did you get him to shut up, Jervis?" asked Dr. Crane, looking up from his book as Dr. Tetch re-entered their rooms.

"Yes, I think so," said Dr. Tetch, nodding. "He seems a nice enough man - a little eccentric, but most doctors are, I suppose."

"What's his doctorate in?" asked Dr. Nygma, adjusting some parts on a machine.

"Comedy, apparently," said Dr. Tetch.

"Still more useful than English Lit," muttered Dr. Nygma.

"I didn't know they gave doctorates for comedy," commented Dr. Crane.

"Neither did I, but why would he lie about that?" asked Dr. Tetch. "Why would anyone lie about being a doctor?"

"To claim all the prestige with none of the work," retorted Dr. Nygma.

"What prestige?" asked Dr. Tetch, heading over to his whiteboard and examining his calculations. "We've been ridiculed by literally everyone in the scientific community for our theories, and cast out of every university because of the nature of our research."

"Well, we'll be the ones laughing in the end," said Dr. Nygma. "Once we prove the existence of ghosts…"

"Please, Edward, they prefer to be called spirits," interrupted Dr. Crane.

"Fine, once we prove the existence of spirits, we'll be hailed as the geniuses we are," said Dr. Nygma. "Or at least, the genius I am. Without my technical ingenuity, we'd never be able to build a machine to catch ghosts."

"Well, without my knowledge of parapsychology, we'd never have been able to define what a spirit actually is," retorted Dr. Crane.

"And without my expertise in theoretical physics, we would never have been able to reconcile Jonathan's theories with Edward's practical knowledge," said Dr. Tetch. "In other words, you two don't work without me. This project is a collaborative effort between all of us, and we will share all the credit and all the glory once we've proven our findings to the scientific community."

"Fine," sniffed Dr. Nygma. "I just hope you didn't tell that moron upstairs what we were working on – the last thing we need is him poking his nose into our business and disrupting our work."

"No, I was very tactful," said Dr. Tetch. "I don't think he'll be a problem."

At that moment, a hole exploded in the ceiling, and bits of dust and debris rained down on the three of them. When the dust cleared, they all looked up to see Dr. Joker popping his head through the hole and waving at them. "Hi, guys!" he exclaimed. "How's the science going?"

"Fine, until you dropped the ceiling onto it!" exclaimed Dr. Nygma, as the machine he was working on began beeping. It fizzled, and then popped, as all the lights on it suddenly went out.

"That's going to take…weeks to rebuild," stammered Dr. Nygma, staring at it in horror.

"Great! Which means you got plenty of time, so we can go out for drinks now!" exclaimed Dr. Joker. "I'll be right down – hey, while we're out, we should see if someone can install one of those firemen poles through this hole so I can just slide down to see you guys whenever I feel like! Wouldn't that be fun?"

"Yes…fun," said Dr. Crane, sarcastically.

"Well…I suppose I could use a cup of tea," said Dr. Tetch, slowly. "Shall we, gentlemen?"


	3. Chapter 3

"Joker, what are you doing wearing glasses and a labcoat?" asked Oswald Cobblepot, as Dr. Joker pushed open the door of the Iceberg Lounge.

"That's Dr. Joker, which should answer your question," retorted Dr. Joker.

"But you aren't a doctor," retorted Cobblepot.

"Now Pengers, why would I lie about that?" asked Dr. Joker. "I'll have my usual – get my new neighbors whatever they want," he said, taking a seat at the bar.

"Do you have tea?" asked Dr. Tetch.

"Of course we have tea – this is a civilized establishment," retorted Cobblepot.

"Then we'll have three teas, please," said Dr. Tetch.

"You guys aren't really drinkers, huh?" asked Dr. Joker, as Cobblepot placed a glass of scotch in front of him.

"We drink lots of tea," replied Dr. Tetch. "We positively live on it when we're working, don't we, gentlemen?"

Both Dr. Crane and Dr. Nygma just nodded curtly, glaring at Dr. Joker. "Oh, how rude of me not to make introductions," said Dr. Tetch. "Dr. Joker, this is Dr. Jonathan Crane, and Dr. Edward Nygma is the one whose device you smashed."

"No hard feelings about that machine, huh?" chuckled Dr. Joker. "I was just testing out my whoopie cushion bombs, so it was all in the interest of science."

"It certainly sounds like it," muttered Dr. Crane sarcastically, opening the book he had brought with him.

"Whatcha reading?" asked Dr. Joker, leaning over his shoulder.

"It's _Tobin's Spirit Guide_ ," snapped Dr. Crane.

"Spirit as in liquor?" asked Dr. Joker. "I thought you weren't much of a drinker."

"Spirit as in apparition," retorted Dr. Crane. "In common parlance, ghost."

Dr. Joker burst out laughing. "Ghost?" he repeated. "You got a guide to something that doesn't even exist? How crazy is that? I mean, some people call me crazy, but at least I ain't reading a guide to leprechauns or unicorns…"

"Spirits do exist," snapped Dr. Crane. "We have scientific proof of it."

"No, we don't, Jonathan," snapped Dr. Nygma, glaring at him. "We don't have that at all. That is absolutely not a thing we have."

"Really? You have proof of ghosts?" asked Dr. Joker. "Because that kinda sounds like something I'd have read about in the paper if it was true."

"Because it's not true," snapped Dr. Nygma.

"And if it were true, that doesn't necessarily mean that the papers would have got ahold of it yet," added Dr. Tetch. "Because even if there were proof, it might not be…totally 100% available yet."

"What do you mean 'yet'?" asked Dr. Joker. "You mean you're actually working on proving the existence of ghosts?"

"Well, good job keeping that a secret, everyone!" snapped Dr. Nygma. "The existence of ghosts has been proven – we just need to trap one to show people it. And that's going to be a bit difficult after what you did to my machine."

"Geez, this is really groundbreaking stuff," said Dr. Joker, impressed. "I kinda thought when you guys said you were scientists, you'd be working on something meaningless and lame and nerdy like, I dunno, ant farms or something. But this ain't meaningless or lame or nerdy at all. This is big."

He took a sip from his glass. "So if you guys are about to prove the existence of the spirit world, why the hell are you doing it here?" he asked. "I mean, this is kinda a dump area, even for Gotham."

"Hey, if you're gonna insult my bar, you can get out!" snapped Cobblepot, as he brought over a pot of tea.

"Of course I meant dump in its most complimentary sense, Pengers," replied Dr. Joker, smiling. "And your joint really adds some high class to the area."

Cobblepot smiled and went to go clean some glasses, not noticing Dr. Joker rolling his eyes.

"Well, money is always a problem," sighed Dr. Tetch, pouring the tea. "We've all sold everything we have to pay for the apartment, and for the equipment for our work. No one believes our research will yield any results, so we can't get grants or funding from any university. And there's no one in the private sector who won't laugh you out of their offices when you tell them you're trying to prove the existence of ghosts."

"Hmm, that is a tricky one," said Dr. Joker, nodding as he took another sip. Then his eyes lit up.

"I got it!" he exclaimed, standing up. "I know a way for you guys to make money, and to get your proof of ghosts at the same time!"

"Really? You think you've come up with a solution when three scientists with genius level intellects couldn't?" scoffed Dr. Nygma.

"Let's hear him out, Edward," said Dr. Tetch.

"Look, I don't believe in ghosts personally, but a lotta weirdos do," said Dr. Joker. "So use that to make money. Take advantage of the gullible by advertising yourself as a ghostbusting service. Say you'll clear their houses of any spirits for a fee. If they're just kooks, you can put on a show and nobody will be the wiser. But if they're not kooks, you can trap your ghost, get the proof you need for the scientific community, and make a few extra bucks along the way!"

They all three stared at him. "That is actually…a fantastic idea," said Dr. Crane slowly.

"But is it really right to take advantage of gullible people, though?" asked Dr. Tetch, concerned.

"Who cares?" snapped Dr. Nygma. "If they're stupid enough to be taken advantage of, they deserve it!"

"You're a man after my own heart, Eddie," said Dr. Joker, nodding. "No sentimentality, just doing whatever it takes to get the job done. That's the attitude I take in my own research, and I've concluded that something's only funny if it's causing pain to someone else. Physical or emotional pain, of course, but I prefer physical. For instance," he said, punching Dr. Nygma in the face suddenly.

"Ain't that hysterical?" Dr. Joker giggled madly.

"What the hell was that?!" demanded Dr. Nygma, cupping his bleeding nose.

"Comedy," said Dr. Joker, shrugging. "You either get it or you don't. And judging by nobody laughing, I'm guessing neither of you three have much of a sense of humor. You should go back to school and get a comedy degree like I did."

"Look, Dr. Joker, is it?" asked Dr. Crane, putting down his book.

"You can call me Dr. J if you want," said Dr. Joker.

"Dr. Joker, thank you very much for your very helpful idea," said Dr. Crane. "And for the drinks. But we really do have quite a lot of work to do, especially now that we have to start up a business, so we must be going. I suppose we'll be seeing you around…"

"Now hold on there, Dr. Cranium," said Dr. Joker, tripping him as he stood up and sending Dr. Crane crashing to the floor. "Really, nothing?" he asked, looking around at the lack of laughter, and then shrugging. "The fact is, your little business scheme is all my idea, and as such, I wanna be involved in it."

"But you said you didn't believe in ghosts," pointed out Dr. Tetch. "Why would you want to hang out around us, and other supposedly crazy people who do?"

"I don't, obviously," retorted Dr. Joker. "But I think my idea is gonna be a real money-maker – there are so many gullible idiots out there, many of them rich. So I want my cut of the cash, and who knows? Maybe we'll meet some people I can do my own research on. Nobody's gonna miss a bunch of superstitious nutjobs, am I right?"

"So what you're saying is…you want to insert yourself into our research by taking a cut of our profits and randomly hurting our customers?" asked Dr. Tetch, slowly.

"That's a fair summation," said Dr. Joker, nodding. "And if you don't agree, I can continue my experiments in slapstick comedy on you three. So it's really worth saving yourselves some pain to just say yes to my little proposition. Plus, y'know, it'll be fun! All four of us doctors working together, three nerdy ghost-hunting scientists and one comic genius…it could be a sitcom, or a comedy horror movie!"

"Or a disaster," muttered Dr. Crane, dusting himself off.

"I don't see what choice we have though, do you?" asked Dr. Tetch.

"Well, I am not cutting the clown in on our credit and glory when we prove our findings to the scientific community," muttered Dr. Nygma. "That's for damn sure."

"Credit and glory I ain't interested in, pal," retorted Dr. Joker. "But cash and laughter? That's something else." He raised his glass in a toast. "And trust me, there's gonna be plenty of both with the Ghostbusters around."


	4. Chapter 4

"So…they're called Ghostbusters because they…bust ghosts?" asked Crane in reality, breaking in on the story.

"Yeah, like a drug bust," said Joker, nodding. "They find 'em and take 'em down."

"But you can't use 'bust' in that context as a verb," retorted Crane. "A 'bust' is a noun in 'drug bust.'"

"You can use 'bust' as a verb when you bust people out of someplace, like Arkham," pointed out Tetch.

"Yes, but only when it's paired with 'out,'" retorted Crane. "Making it a phrasal verb, which cannot be used on its own."

"You can go bust," pointed out Nygma. "Like a business going bankrupt would be said to go bust."

"Yes, but that's an adjective, not a verb," retorted Crane. "'Buster' has been used as a slang term for a way of disrespectfully addressing someone, but again, not as someone who busts, because the word isn't a verb. Therefore the word and concept of a Ghostbuster is essentially meaningless."

"Good, I'm glad we brought grammar into this," said Joker, sarcastically. "It really adds to the narrative. There's nothing anyone loves more than a grammar Nazi. Except me, since I hate all forms of Nazis."

"I just don't think my character would agree to work in a business with a grammatically incorrect name," said Crane. "That would be very out of character."

"Well, imagine you're less of a pompous jerk in this story," retorted Joker. "It's difficult, I know, but try."

"I honestly don't buy that you'd work with these three for very long, Mr. J," commented Harley. "I think you'd be trying to kill each other before the first day was over."

"Well, you have to suspend your disbelief a little in this story about ghosts," retorted Joker.

"I still don't see what any of this has got to do with Batman," said Tetch.

"Will you just wait and see?" snapped Joker. "Honestly, I'm trying to introduce these characters slowly and build up the tension…"

"But we know these characters already because we are these characters," pointed out Tetch.

"And there's been zero tension thus far," agreed Nygma. "Just your ridiculous brand of so-called humor."

"I dunno – I've got a lotta sexual tension thinking of Dr. J," purred Harley, cuddling closer to Joker. "I want him to give me a really thorough full body examination."

"Maybe later," agreed Joker. "For now, I guess we'll pick up the pace. Well, the Ghostbusting business idea was naturally a great one, as it came from Dr. Joker, and soon the calls started pouring in. While the team saw a great many number of weirdos, freaks, and paranoid delusionals, they didn't actually encounter any ghosts. Until one day…"

"Morning, boys!" exclaimed Dr. Joker, sliding down the fireman's pole into the laboratory. "Eddie, how's the machine today?"

"Still broken," muttered Dr. Nygma. "But at least you have your fireman's pole, so it was all worth it," he added, sarcastically.

"I agree," said Dr. Joker, nodding as he slapped him on the back and shocked him with the joy buzzer.

"Can you not do that?! You'll overload the circuits and then I'll have to start all over again!" Dr. Nygma snapped.

"Oh, lighten up, Eddie," sighed Dr. Joker, heading over to the coffee pot. "We're outta coffee," he commented.

"So make some more – you're the only one who drinks that filth," retorted Dr. Crane, not looking up from his book.

"If I drank hot water with dirt in it, I wouldn't point fingers," retorted Dr. Joker.

"Tea is made from leaves," corrected Dr. Tetch, scribbling some more calculations down. "It's hardly dirt, and it contains many proven health benefits, such as antioxidants…"

"Yeah, I'm gonna go open up," interrupted Dr. Joker, heading into the next room and unlocking the front door, and then turning on all the lights. He then took a seat at the reception desk, adjusted his nameplate which read _Dr. Joker – President_ , and then propped his feet up on the desk and pulled out a magazine.

A few minutes later, he heard the bell over the door ring and looked up. "Welcome to the Ghostbusters, may I help…" he began, but then he stopped speaking as his jaw dropped in astonishment.

The woman who had walked in was the most beautiful woman he had ever seen, with big, blue eyes framed by thick, round glasses, and blonde hair done up in a tight bun. She was small and slim and pale, and her pretty face was haggard and worried, which did nothing to minimize her beauty.

"Um…hello," she stammered. "I…um…probably shouldn't even be here…I mean…I don't really believe in this nonsense…"

"That's ok, neither do I," said Dr. Joker, nodding. "Won't you please have a seat, Miss…?"

"It's…Dr. Harleen Quinzel, actually," replied the woman.

"Oh great, another doctor!" exclaimed Dr. Joker, beaming at her. "We definitely didn't have your type at my school, Doc, unfortunately!" he chuckled. "Might have actually stayed in school long enough to get my doctorate if that had been the case!"

She just looked at him. "That was…a joke," said Dr. Joker, slowly. "That's kinda my thing…never mind."

"No, I'm sorry for not getting it," she said, rubbing her eyes. "I…I don't really feel like myself…I haven't for days…the lack of sleep and everything is just…really getting to me."

"Why don't you tell me what the problem is, and I'll see if I can help?" he asked. "You think you're being haunted, right?"

"I…I guess…I don't know," she stammered. "I'm a rational woman, and I don't believe in this stuff, but I can't disbelieve it when I see it with my own eyes…"

She took a deep breath. "I'll…start from the beginning," she said. "But…you're gonna think I'm crazy."

"If I do, it'll only be a compliment," said Dr. Joker, grinning.

"I…came home from work yesterday, after stopping at the grocery store," said Dr. Quinzel. "I had picked up some vegetables, and while I was putting the other groceries away in the cupboard, the vegetables suddenly started…moving across the counter."

"Moving vegetables, huh?" asked Dr. Joker. "That's weird, but I'm not sure it's particularly ghostly…"

"I thought my eyes were just playing tricks on me after a long day at work," said Dr. Quinzel, nodding. "And when I reached out to grab them, they stopped moving. So I opened the fridge to put them in the vegetable crisper, and…"

She shut her eyes. "There was…this portal in my fridge. Like a gateway to…some horrible place, like an abandoned or post-apocalyptic world, buildings all overgrown and destroyed, decaying bodies everywhere. And then this awful voice said something…a phrase or…maybe a name. I don't really remember it – I was pretty shaken up, as you can imagine, but it sounded kinda like Latin."

"Latin, eh?" said Dr. Joker, thoughtfully. "Well, I dunno why a fridge would be speaking Latin, but my colleagues might."

"So…you don't think I'm crazy?" she asked.

"Believe me, toots, we've had crazy in here," said Dr. Joker. "We had this guy with a tinfoil hat saying that ghosts were stealing his thoughts to sell to the government, and we had this woman who claimed that a ghost had seduced her over a pottery wheel. Your story's actually one of the more rational ones – moving vegetables and a talking fridge seem almost normal by comparison."

"But you believe me, right?" she asked. "I'm sorry, I just…know how crazy it sounds, and I need the reassurance that I'm not going out of my mind. I'm a psychiatrist, you see, and the fact that I can't tell if I'm insane or not is very worrying."

"Well, if it's any consolation, I know crazy, and I don't think you're it," he replied, smiling at her. "Which is unfortunate, if you ask me. Crazy people usually have more fun. You know, fewer inhibitions, more spontaneous and carefree, no pesky sense of conscience…not that I speak from experience," he added, hastily.

"Well…thank you," she stammered. "It's…nice to be believed. I was afraid if I told anyone, they would just laugh at me."

"I would never laugh at you, toots," said Dr. Joker. "Unless you said something funny, of course, or tripped or something. I mean, I'm only human – who doesn't laugh when somebody trips?"

"You…are a doctor, right?" asked Dr. Quinzel, slowly.

"Of course I am – I have a plaque," said Dr. Joker, gesturing to it.

"You just…don't seem like one to me," said Dr. Quinzel.

"You should meet my colleagues – they'll seem like it," said Dr. Joker. "I guess you could call me a breath of fresh air compared to them. I'm the funny one. Also the smart and handsome one, as you can probably tell."

"Uh…sure," said Dr. Quinzel, slowly. "Anyway, if you think one of your colleagues can help me, can I please speak to them?"

"I dunno – they're awfully busy," replied Dr. Joker. "Doing…y'know…science."

"Joker, where did you put my book on the astral plane?" demanded Dr. Crane, storming into the room. "I know you've hidden it – no one else would think that was funny…"

He trailed off when he noticed Dr. Quinzel, and stared at her with the same open-mouthed, astonished look Dr. Joker had had on his face. "Who…is this?" he stammered.

"This is Dr. Quinzel – she's come to us after having experienced moving vegetables and a refrigerator talking in Latin," replied Dr. Joker.

"Really? That sounds absolutely fascinating," said Dr. Crane, taking a seat next to her. "Can you remember any of the words, or even syllables? Latin is a root language, so many of our words come from it that we might be able to figure out the meaning."

"I really don't remember – I was so shocked that I just slammed the door and ran out of the apartment," replied Dr. Quinzel. "I haven't been back – I stayed in a hotel last night, and I came to see you this morning."

"Doncha have any friends you could have stayed with?" asked Dr. Joker, casually. "Boyfriend, maybe?"

"I only moved here recently, and I don't have a boyfriend," replied Dr. Quinzel.

"Good, good," said Dr. Joker, nodding. "Good...for you to think to stay in a hotel, I mean," he added, noticing the looks he was getting from both Dr. Crane and Dr. Quinzel. "Much better than just wandering the streets."

"Are you sure you don't remember any sounds the refrigerator made?" asked Dr. Crane. "Anything at all?"

Dr. Quinzel furrowed her brow. "Well…it kinda sounded like it said…'toxic bender radical' or something?"

"Toxic bender radical," repeated Dr. Crane, thoughtfully. "Interesting."

"Is that Latin?" asked Dr. Joker.

"It's not a Latin phrase I've ever heard, but it does remind me of something I've read somewhere," murmured Dr. Crane. "If I could only remember which book…"

"Why doncha just Google it?" asked Dr. Joker.

"Because it's the 80s," retorted Dr. Crane. "I need an actual physical book to look up something like that."

"Right, right, we're still in the dark ages," muttered Dr. Joker.

"Why don't you follow me into the laboratory and meet the rest of the team, Dr. Quinzel, and tell your story to them?" asked Dr. Crane. "I can assure you, I'm very interested in your case, and I know they will be too."

They were. After Dr. Quinzel repeated her story, Dr. Tetch spoke up. "With your permission, Dr. Quinzel, we'd like to visit your apartment and scan for any signs of paranormal activity."

"Of course," said Dr. Quinzel, nodding.

"I'll go," spoke up Dr. Joker.

They stared at him. "But you don't know how to use the machines," said Dr. Tetch.

"Hey, I'll figure it out – how hard can it be?" asked Dr. Joker. "I just know Dr. Quinzel needs to be thoroughly checked out at her apartment…I mean, Dr. Quinzel's apartment needs to be thoroughly checked out," he corrected, hastily.

"We'll all go," said Dr. Crane, glaring at him.

"Not you, Jonathan - you should stay here and go through your books to find out what that phrase means," said Dr. Tetch. "Edward and I will accompany Dr. Joker to Dr. Quinzel's apartment."

"Well, four's kinda a crowd…" began Dr. Joker.

"I'll get a cab," said Dr. Tetch. "Get the equipment together, Edward."

Dr. Quinzel headed outside to wait for the cab, and Dr. Crane seized Dr. Joker's arm as he was about to follow her. "You keep your hands off her," he growled.

"Who's gonna make me, nerd?" demanded Dr. Joker. "You? Anyway, I saw her first."

"So? I think she seemed more interested in me," retorted Dr. Crane. "And at least I'm doing something to help her, which is more than you can do."

"We'll have to see about that, won't we?" asked Dr. Joker.

"Yes, we will," retorted Dr. Crane. "May the best man win."


	5. Chapter 5

"Puddin', why have you made Johnny have a crush on me in this?" asked Harley in confusion, breaking in on the story. "He doesn't have a crush on me in real life."

The others in the room all looked at Crane, who couldn't have looked more uncomfortable. Nygma coughed loudly and pointedly. "I think it's called…artistic license," Crane stammered at last.

"Yeah, romantic rivalry always adds a little pizazz to a narrative," said Joker, nodding. "Love triangles always keep you guessing over who's gonna end up together, and who's gonna end up alone."

"Well, obviously I'm gonna end up with you, puddin'," replied Harley.

"You never know – in the sequel Sigourney Weaver's character had married and had a kid with someone else besides Bill Murray's," retorted Joker. "It isn't always happily ever after in Hollywood."

"But…but we gotta end up together, puddin'," stammered Harley, tears gathering in her eyes. "We just gotta!"

"Well, you'll have to wait and see how it all pans out in this…" began Joker.

"No!" shrieked Harley, standing up. "You're being all cute and flirty with me in this, and I am not gonna be some heartless bitch who doesn't return your affections! You can't make me into that! I'm your Harley Quinn, and your Harley Quinn always ends up with you! So tell it right!"

"Technically you're Dr. Quinzel in this," said Crane. "And I'd also like to point out that technically we're the only two in this room with doctorates in real life."

"Please, Jonathan, truly intelligent people don't need pieces of paper validating their intelligence," sniffed Nygma. "Especially since any idiot can get one."

"So why don't you?" asked Harley.

"I wouldn't demean myself by having to prove my intelligence to some lesser intellect," retorted Nygma.

"It does mean I'm objectively smarter than you, however," pointed out Harley. "Which must really bother a guy like you, Eddie. Anyway, Dr. Quinzel and Harley Quinn are one and the same, and they're both madly in love with Mr. J. So this story better not ruin that."

"Look, if you wanna take over the story, you be my guest!" snapped Joker. "But there's a method to my madness, and there's a reason why you might not be as enthusiastic and into me as usual! Just be patient and listen!"

Harley folded her arms across her chest. "Fine," she muttered. "But if I do anything too outta character, I'm definitely gonna speak up."

"Seems like everyone is," muttered Joker. "Honestly, there's no need to take this story so personally – it's a work of fiction, after all, and any similarities to persons living or dead is purely coincidental."

"No, it's not, we're characters in the story!" snapped Nygma.

"Yeah, and I seem to have nailed yours pretty well, huh?" demanded Joker. "It's not difficult – I just have to think of what it would be like to be a know-it-all jerk with a huge ego and no reason to have one! You got any complaints to make, Hatty?" he demanded, rounding on Tetch.

"No, none at all," replied Tetch. "I think you're doing a splendid job with my character. And I'm eager to hear what the refrigerator meant."

"Well, you'll find out soon enough," said Joker, nodding. "Now back to the story."

"Nice place you got here," commented Dr. Joker, as they entered Dr. Quinzel's apartment. "Aside from the talking refrigerator, of course."

"And the incredible amount of psychic energy," commented Dr. Tetch, as the machine in his hand whirled and beeped erratically.

"What does that mean?" asked Dr. Quinzel, concerned.

"It means there's a definite presence here," said Dr. Nygma, scanning the walls with a similar machine. "I'm honestly surprised that the first incident you had was yesterday – with readings like these, this thing has been rooted for some time."

"Well, I only just moved in a few weeks ago," said Dr. Quinzel. "And maybe odd things might have happened before, but…I guess I thought I was just tired and dismissed them. I haven't slept very well in a long time."

"That can happen when you're in a strange place all alone," commented Dr. Joker. "One of the many difficult aspects of being on your own – I'm sure you'd sleep much better with somebody next to you…"

"Has the trouble sleeping only started since moving in?" interrupted Dr. Tetch. "That's a very common experience in hauntings."

"I'm not sure it is a haunting," said Dr. Nygma, his eyes narrowing. "These readings are off the chart. I've never seen anything like it."

"To be fair, you've never seen an actual haunting either, so it could be that," retorted Dr. Joker.

"Theoretically, yes," snapped Dr. Nygma. "But the scale and magnitude of this is unbelievable. Whatever it is, it's incredibly strong and powerful."

"Well, yeah, if it made a refrigerator talk," agreed Dr. Joker, nodding.

"It could probably do more than that if it wanted to," said Dr. Tetch.

"Like…what?" asked Dr. Quinzel, concerned.

Dr. Tetch and Dr. Nygma shared a look. "Nothing to worry about yet – let's just go see that refrigerator," said Dr. Tetch, heading into the kitchen.

"It's normal now," said Dr. Nygma, opening it. "No portal in there."

"But the readings are consistent with the rest of the apartment," said Dr. Tetch. "And much higher around these vegetables," he said, kneeling down to the floor where Dr. Quinzel had dropped them. "Whatever this entity is, it left its imprint on these."

"So…can you get something from those to figure out what this is, and how to stop it?" asked Dr. Quinzel.

"Possibly," said Dr. Tetch, pulling out his handkerchief and picking one up. He instantly dropped it and jumped back as the vegetable began to squirm in his hand.

"Holy crap!" exclaimed Dr. Joker, staring at it in disbelief.

"You guys are seeing this too, right?" asked Dr. Quinzel.

"Yes, my dear," said Dr. Tetch, bending down again. "Edward, we'll need the box."

Dr. Nygma removed a metal box from his backpack and gingerly scooped the vegetable up in it. He quickly sealed it. "That should trap the entity's energy for further study," said Dr. Nygma. "Which I think is about all we can do at the moment."

"My dear, if I could make a suggestion, it would be best if you didn't stay here for the time being," said Dr. Tetch, turning to Dr. Quinzel. "This presence is attached to this location, and you remaining here is just inviting further damage to yourself. These kind of entities feed on living energy which helps them grow stronger. Right now you're only tired, but it could get much worse if you remain."

"Much worse…how?" asked Dr. Quinzel.

"Attempted possession," retorted Dr. Nygma.

"Possession?" repeated Dr. Quinzel, horrified. "You mean…it's gonna try to...take over my body?"

"It's entirely possible," said Dr. Tetch, nodding. "As we've said, it's a very strong and powerful entity. You should remain at the hotel for the time being, and if you have any friends, may I suggest that you get one of them to stay with you, to watch over you at night. I'm not sure, but your trouble sleeping may be because certain attempts at possession have already been made. It would be safer for you to keep someone with you at night to monitor your condition."

"I'll do it," spoke up Dr. Joker.

"Perhaps a female friend would be more appropriate," retorted Dr. Tetch, glaring at him.

"Well, I don't really have a lotta friends, male or female," said Dr. Quinzel, slowly. "At least not in Gotham…I have a couple school friends from Brooklyn, but it'll take them another day to get here at least, and that's if they can just drop everything, and if they believe me, of course."

"I suppose we could guard you in pairs, if that would make you more comfortable," said Dr. Tetch. "Or you could stay with us in our building, and we could take turns monitoring you and making sure you're not disturbed…by anything living or dead," he added, looking at Dr. Joker.

"I…guess that would be ok," said Dr. Quinzel, slowly. "I'll go…pack some stuff."

"I'll call Jonathan," said Dr. Tetch, picking up the telephone in the living room. "Hello, Jonathan? Any luck with the phrase? Too bad. We've got a huge amount of energy here, and one of the vegetables moved when I picked it up. Yes, we're bringing it back, along with Dr. Quinzel – she's going to be staying with us for the time being to guard against an attempted possession…yes, Joker already volunteered, but I think pairs would be better, don't you? Not that I don't trust him or anything."

"He's just trying to cramp my style," muttered Dr. Joker.

"Where is your conscience?" demanded Dr. Nygma. "This vulnerable young woman has come to us for help, and you just seem focused on how you can take advantage of that vulnerability to get into her pants!"

"Well, as a man who's clearly never gotten into anyone's pants, you wouldn't understand, Eddie," retorted Dr. Joker. "And I ain't trying to just get into her pants – I'm trying to get to know her better, and for her to get to know me better and see how irresistible I am. Which is really hard to do with the peanut gallery hanging around us all the time."

"Meanwhile the rest of us are concerned about saving her from a strong, powerful, and very likely angry entity which probably wants to possess her," retorted Dr. Nygma.

"Yeah, so you can focus on that, and I'll focus on Dr. Quinzel," said Dr. Joker. "Everybody wins!"

Dr. Nygma sighed. "After a few days with him, I think she'll be praying for the entity to take her away," he muttered under his breath.


	6. Chapter 6

"You can have the upstairs to yourself – those are Joker's rooms and he'll be staying with us while you're here," said Dr. Tetch, showing Dr. Quinzel around.

"Yeah, and you can use the fireman's pole to get down!" exclaimed Dr. Joker, gesturing to the hole in the floor. "Try it – you'll be looking for excuses to slide down it!"

"Maybe later," said Dr. Quinzel, setting down her bag.

"There's the bathroom, kitchen, bedroom, and obviously all the doors lock, in case you want some extra privacy," said Dr. Tetch. "But please don't lock them during the night in case there's an emergency."

"What kinda emergency could there be?" asked Dr. Quinzel, looking worried.

"Oh, levitation, sleepwalking, head turning all the way around – there are many possibilities with possession," replied Dr. Tetch, waving his hand. "But it's very unlikely that the entity followed you here – all of this is just a precaution. Better safe than sorry when dealing with the unknown, that's my motto."

Dr. Quinzel managed a nod, looking even more terrified. "I guess I'll get…settled in," she stammered.

"We'll be having dinner at seven, and we'd be honored if you would join us," said Dr. Crane. "It's Chinese takeaway, so if you'd like anything special, please let me know. It'll be my treat."

"That's very sweet, Dr. Crane, thank you," said Dr. Quinzel, smiling at him.

"Please call me Jonathan," he said, smiling back.

"If you don't want Chinese takeaway, I can order you something else special," added Dr. Joker. "Anything you want."

"Chinese takeaway will be fine," said Dr. Quinzel. "Thank you."

Dr. Joker glared at Dr. Crane, who just smiled at him and went to go place the order.

"You can sit here," said Dr. Joker, pulling out a chair next to him as Dr. Quinzel came down for dinner.

"Or here," said Dr. Crane, gesturing to the seat next to him. "As I've ordered egg rolls to share, and you can help yourself."

Dr. Quinzel nodded, taking the seat next to him, which only increased Dr. Joker's glaring. "Have you got any further on that phrase the refrigerator said?" asked Dr. Quinzel, taking an eggroll. "Or any info on the vegetables?"

"Well, this is all experimental technology, so it could take some time," explained Dr. Tetch. "Yours is actually our first…real case."

Dr. Quinzel stared at him. "You mean…you don't have any idea what you're doing?" she asked, slowly.

"We have a very good idea of what we're doing, thank you very much," snapped Dr. Nygma. "We've just never actually done it before. In theory ghostbusting is all very simple, but in practice it's a bit more complicated."

"But you know ways of removing this thing, once you figure out what it is, from my apartment, right?" asked Dr. Quinzel.

"We know theoretical ways, yes," said Dr. Nygma, nodding. "And using that theory, we have created weapons capable of battling and exorcising spirits from a property. For instance, the proton pack, which is an invention of my own design which traps the spirit of negative energy in a lasso of positive energy in which it can be confined. It can also theoretically be used to transport spirits back to their dimension of origin when combined with other proton packs, creating the necessary energy to blast the spirit back to where they came from. Or bring about the destruction of this plane of existence entirely – we won't really know for sure until we test it," he added, tucking into his meal.

"Well, I…really hope that won't be necessary to get rid of whatever's in my apartment," stammered Dr. Quinzel. "I would hate to feel responsible for the destruction of the world."

"The universe," corrected Dr. Nygma. "It would destroy everything in reality, not just the world."

"Right, the universe," agreed Dr. Quinzel, sipping her drink.

"Gotta say, if I knew we had that kinda technology earlier, I'd have been tempted to play around with it," said Dr. Joker.

"You're not touching it," snapped Dr. Nygma. "I don't trust you after you broke my last machine."

"Do you have any idea why this spirit or whatever it is would want to possess me?" asked Dr. Quinzel.

"Well, it can't be blamed for it, can it?" chuckled Dr. Joker. "Just a joke," he added, when everyone just glared at him.

"The reason for possessions can vary, but usually it's because the spirit is looking for a host body to cross over to this plane of existence," replied Dr. Crane. "It begins by controlling the host to do its bidding, and then ultimately destroying the host and replacing it in its own body."

"But why me?" asked Dr. Quinzel. "I've never believed in this stuff, and I've never played with a Ouija board or anything like that."

"I believe you were just unfortunate enough to be in the wrong place at the wrong time," replied Dr. Crane. "And it's a testament to your character how little such a powerful presence has affected you. You must be a very strong-willed person. Which I mean as a compliment – not that you're stubborn or anything…" he added, hastily.

"I know what you meant," replied Dr. Quinzel, smiling at him. "Thank you."

Dr. Joker grew even more annoyed, gripping his chopsticks a little harder than necessary and snapping them.

"If nobody minds, I'm exhausted, so I'm gonna head to bed," said Dr. Quinzel, standing up after she finished her eggrolls.

"I'll guard her," said Dr. Joker, standing up instantly.

"Edward, why don't you accompany Joker on guard duty?" asked Dr. Tetch. "I'll take over working on the vegetable, and Jonathan can continue his search."

Dr. Nygma sighed audibly. "Fine," he muttered, standing up too. "Let's go."

"Don't let him out of your sight for an instant!" hissed Dr. Crane to Dr. Nygma. "I don't trust him as far as I can throw him!"

"Goodnight," said Dr. Quinzel at the door to her apartment.

"We'll be here all night, so don't hesitate to call us if you need anything," said Dr. Joker, smiling at her. "Anything at all…"

"Goodnight," interrupted Dr. Nygma, shutting the door after her. "Honestly, you're pathetic," he muttered, opening the book he had brought with him. "You and Crane are like children fighting over a toy. You're even more annoying than usual, if that's possible."

"Can I see what you're reading?" asked Dr. Joker.

Dr. Nygma held up the book, puzzled. "Let me see it," repeated Dr. Joker, holding out his hands.

Dr. Nygma handed it to him, and Dr. Joker instantly bashed him over the head with it. The blow was heavy enough and the book thick enough that it knocked Dr. Nygma unconscious. Dr. Joker beamed to himself, and knocked on Dr. Quinzel's door, whistling and slicking his hair back.

She opened it, confused. "Did you need something?" she asked.

"Just wanted to make sure you were feeling comfortable staying in a strange place like this," he said. "Thought you might want some company."

"What happened to Dr. Nygma?" she asked, looking at him.

"He had a long day – fell asleep," said Dr. Joker. "And it would be rude to wake him, doncha think?"

Dr. Quinzel nodded slowly. "You can…come in if you want," she said, holding open the door. "I guess it is your place, after all. Is this all your joke stuff?" she asked, gesturing around.

"Yeah, if you see any whoopie cushions, don't touch them," said Dr. Joker. "I'm using them for…research."

"You research jokes?" asked Dr. Quinzel, confused.

"I don't really like to call it research, actually – I play jokes on people and gauge the reaction," replied Dr. Joker, shrugging. "It doesn't have a lot of real world applications, but it amuses me anyway."

"Well, I guess work should be personally rewarding," agreed Dr. Quinzel. "I don't know what I'm going to do about mine – I can't very well call Arkham and tell them if they need to get in touch, to contact me here since ghosts kicked me out of my apartment. They'd lock me up in Arkham for that."

"So don't tell 'em that," replied Dr. Joker. "Just say you're staying with friends for the time being since your apartment's being repaired. Gas leak or water leak or something – they won't look into it too closely."

"I've had patients in Arkham talking about ghosts, and I always just assumed they were hallucinating," sighed Dr. Quinzel. "I feel kinda guilty for not believing them now. I just don't know what to believe anymore," she said, sitting down with her head in her hands.

"Well, I often don't," agreed Dr. Joker, sitting down next to her. "When the world's a madhouse, you'd be crazy to try to see sense in it. I guess ghosts are just another crazy aspect of a crazy world, so totally in keeping with it. I mean, you got psychopathic killers, natural disasters, and mammals that lay eggs, so why not have ghosts? The universe is just about bizarre and random enough for it."

"I guess that's a good way to look at it," replied Dr. Quinzel, smiling at him. "But all of this is still a little unreal for me to believe. And I hate having to impose on you guys…"

"It's not an imposition at all," interrupted Dr. Joker. "It's an absolute pleasure. I'm really glad you're here, Doc – you make a wonderful change from the nerds, and it gives me a chance to get to know you better. And I'm really, really glad you walked through our door. I've never met anyone like you before."

"I don't know how you can say that," replied Dr. Quinzel. "You don't know me very well…"

"Well, it has only been a day…but I feel something around you I've never felt before around anyone," said Dr. Joker. "You're in trouble, and dealing with something beyond anyone's imagination, and you're holding yourself together. I just really admire that strength and determination. The people we've got in here, faced with imaginary ghosts, they lose their heads, but you're facing a real one, a real one which the nerds think is trying to possess you and replace you, and you're nothing but calm and resilient."

"I think it's because it just hasn't fully hit me yet," replied Dr. Quinzel, with a smile. "Because I can't really believe it…"

"Well, denying reality doesn't take away from your ability to deal with reality," retorted Dr. Joker. "Frankly, it's one of my favorite things to do. I want you to know though that if you ever have to deal with that reality of ghosts and spirits and whatever else, I'm gonna have your back. I'm gonna be right there with you. I know you don't need me, but I want to help you all the same. And hey, maybe I'm just crazy enough to do some good."

"You're sweet," said Dr. Quinzel, smiling at him. "Really sweet. Just promise me if you see me getting possessed, you'll hit me or shake me or something."

"It's a deal," he said, holding out his hand. She took it, and was instantly shocked.

"Is that a joy buzzer?" she demanded, rubbing her hand.

"Nope," he replied. "It was a spark between us."

"Kinda a lame joke," retorted Dr. Quinzel, but she smiled.

"Well, even a lame joke has a kernel of truth," replied Dr. Joker, smiling back. He saw her blush slightly, and decided to make his move, leaning into her. He felt her draw closer to him, saw her lips part for his, her blue eyes shut, and then…

She suddenly shoved him away. "What the hell do you think you're doing?!" she demanded, suddenly furious.

Dr. Joker stared at her, stunned. "Sorry, I thought we…had a spark…"

"Are you actually trying to make a move on me?!" demanded Dr. Quinzel, her green eyes blazing fury. "I'm a vulnerable woman who has come to you for help, and you're actually trying to take advantage of that?! What kinda pig are you?!"

"Uh…well…I kinda thought we were…flirting…" stammered Dr. Joker.

"Your idea of flirting is as stupid as you are!" shrieked Dr. Quinzel. "Now get the hell out of my room, and don't let me catch you in here again, you despicable man! Jesus, I have to deal with pests both dead and alive – it's unbelievable that a woman has to put up from this by an entitled man who thinks he has the right to prey on her! Just disgusting!"

She shoved him outside and slammed the door in his face. A second later, Dr. Crane raced up the stairs. "What on earth was Dr. Quinzel shouting about?" he demanded. "And what did you do to Edward?" he asked, noticing him.

"Oh, I knocked him out," muttered Dr. Joker, settling himself down by the door. "And it was nothing – just Dr. Quinzel telling me what she really thought of me. It wasn't complimentary."

"Oh. Well, that is good news," said Dr. Crane, beaming.

"It's weird though – I coulda sworn we were flirting a little, and that she was into it," said Dr. Joker, thoughtfully. "I don't normally misread people like that – I wouldn't have made a move if I wasn't pretty sure she wanted me to…"

"You did what?!" demanded Dr. Crane.

"I told you – she rejected it," snapped Dr. Joker. "So don't worry. Still, it was odd. Like there was some switch flipped that turned her into…a completely different person. Someone who doesn't like me at all."


	7. Chapter 7

Dr. Nygma was still unconscious a few hours later, and Dr. Joker had been occupying himself by drawing on him. He had just finished placing Dr. Nygma's hand in a bowl of warm water when the door to Dr. Quinzel's apartment suddenly opened.

"Hi Doc, need something?" asked Dr. Joker, but she didn't respond. Her blue eyes were glazed over as if in a trance, and she headed slowly toward the stairs. Dr. Joker followed her.

"Doc?" he called. "Hey, Doc!"

She still didn't respond, and Dr. Joker was about to shake her as she had asked, when Dr. Tetch and Dr. Crane intercepted him. "Don't wake her," whispered Dr. Tetch, putting a finger to his lips. "It's very dangerous to do that to a sleepwalker."

"But it could be this ghost thing possessing her!" whispered Dr. Joker.

"It undoubtedly is," replied Dr. Tetch. "And I, for one, would like to observe what it does. It will give us a better idea of what we're dealing with."

"But she could be in danger!" retorted Dr. Joker. "I ain't risking her life for your scientific curiosity!"

"Joker, please trust me!" snapped Dr. Tetch. "If it makes her do anything too dangerous, we will intervene. Until then, we're going to keep silent and observe her."

Dr. Joker obeyed reluctantly, and watched as Dr. Quinzel headed into the kitchen. She opened the refrigerator slowly, stared at it with unseeing eyes, and then picked up a handful of fruit. She held these up and whispered something, and they were shocked to see the fruit suddenly moving. Dr. Quinzel turned, carrying them toward the front door and heading outside. She knelt down on a plot of grass on the front yard and began digging with her hands. She dug a shallow hole in the earth, and then lay the fruit carefully down inside it. She covered them over with dirt, and then stood up, raising her hands and muttering some more strange words in an unknown language. To their astonishment, the ground began to writhe, and plants slowly began to sprout from the grass, their roots twisting and spreading along the lawn. The plants grew at an alarming rate, going from saplings to giants in a matter of seconds. They began to sprout thorns and teeth, twisting from regular plants into monstrous, nightmarish plant-creatures.

"Can we stop this now?" whispered Dr. Joker.

"I think that would be wise," agreed Dr. Tetch. Dr. Joker strode across the lawn and suddenly seized Dr. Quinzel by the shoulders.

"Dr. Quinzel, wake up!" he shouted, shaking her. She just gazed back at him blankly, and he saw no other alternative.

"Sorry to have to do this to you, toots," he muttered, raising his fist. His arm was suddenly seized in a vine of thorns, digging into his wrist. Dr. Quinzel was glaring at him, her eyes suddenly wide awake and bright green.

"How dare you try to hit a woman?" she hissed.

"You told me to!" he protested. "If you got possessed…"

"I am not possessed, you pathetic human fool!" she shouted. "I am free! Free to conquer this world and destroy every last pathetic meat sack on the planet! Starting with you!" she growled, as the vines surrounded him, their thorns coming closer and closer to his body.

Dr. Quinzel suddenly went rigid, and then fell limp in his arms, her eyes shutting again. The plants mirrored her response, suddenly dropping to the ground and slithering back into the earth, until no trace of them remained.

"Thanks," gasped Dr. Joker, as Dr. Tetch came over to him, holding up a dart gun with a tranquilizer in it.

"I figured we might need some extra help," he said, checking her pulse. "She's sleeping peacefully again, and will likely have no memory of this when she wakes up."

"Wish I could say the same," muttered Dr. Joker, wincing at the pain in his arm. "Does anyone know what the hell that was?"

"I think I might have an idea," said Dr. Crane, slowly. "I came across something earlier tonight which all makes sense in light of this. But let's return Dr. Quinzel to her room first, and then I'll share my findings."

Dr. Joker nodded, lifting her up gently and carrying her back to bed. He tucked her in carefully, and then joined Dr. Tetch and Dr. Crane in his study.

Dr. Crane had several books open on the table. "This is a translation of an ancient Roman text," he said. "It speaks of a cult native to Greece who worshipped a primitive deity similar to the goddess Gaia, or what we might term Mother Nature. But while we use that term as a metaphor, this cult believed there was an actual female goddess who created and controlled nature, specifically plant-life. She was said to be both woman and plant, and incredibly beautiful…"

"That doesn't seem likely, when you think about those two things mixing," interrupted Dr. Joker.

"Nevertheless, she was said to be very beautiful," continued Dr. Crane. "The members of her cult worshipped her and all nature, never daring to cut down a tree or disturb any of her creations, for her wrath was said to be as powerful as her beauty. If she was ever angered by a group of humans, she would send her plants to utterly destroy and consume them, leaving no trace of their existence. Her sect died out in the modern age, as nature was further destroyed by progress, but had a revival, according to this book, in the early 20th century," he said, turning to a different book. "After the First World War and the substantial loss of life due to modern advances, many people believed that technology did more harm than good, and were looking for a return to a simpler time. This sect re-emerged from the shadows, and used human sacrifices in order to appease this goddess and have her cross over from the spirit world to purify and destroy the world of machines with nature. A man called Mr. Jason Woodrue was head of her cult at this time. I managed to go through the census records, and guess where he resided?"

"Dr. Quinzel's apartment," replied Dr. Joker.

"Correct," replied Dr. Crane, nodding. "Mr. Woodrue was eventually arrested and executed for murder, but before facing the electric chair, he gave his final statement as follows: 'She will purge all foul and imperfect humanity and replace it with pure and perfect plant life. She will eradicate all that humans have built and return the earth to nature. She will reign over centuries, her floral children will consume all, and the earth will once more return to the Garden of Eden, free of humanity's poisonous influence.'"

"Cheerful guy," commented Dr. Joker.

"So you think Dr. Quinzel is being possessed by this ancient goddess?" asked Dr. Tetch.

"It would explain how she can control plant-life," replied Dr. Crane. "But I only really made the connection when I read the name aloud," he said, pointing to it. "This goddess's name was Toxicodendron Radicans."

"Toxic bender radical!" exclaimed Dr. Joker, snapping his fingers.

"Exactly," replied Dr. Crane. "Said aloud, they sound very similar."

"Toxicodendron Radicans," repeated Dr. Tetch, thoughtfully. "I know that name."

"So do I," replied Dr. Crane, opening yet another book on botany and pointing to it. "I knew it sounded familiar. Toxicodendron Radicans – it's Latin. For Poison Ivy."


	8. Chapter 8

"Batman's never going to appear in this story, is he?" asked Tetch in real life, interrupting the narrative suddenly. "The Batbusters title is just some colossal red herring, is that the joke?"

"Jesus, have you got a crush on Batman or something?" demanded Joker. "Just be patient, would ya?!"

"I did sort of think he'd be the ghost," agreed Crane, nodding. "Or god or whatever it is."

"Who would ever worship Batman?" demanded Joker.

"Well, who would ever worship Red?" asked Harley.

"Objectively it's more likely that people would mistake a woman with the ability to manipulate plants for a god than they would a man wearing a bat costume," retorted Nygma. "Otherwise there'd be new cults popping up every Halloween."

"Plus who's ever heard of a god who doesn't kill anyone?" asked Joker. "They're always smiting people and creating disasters which result in mass genocide, and that's definitely more Pammie's thing than Batsy's. But to answer your question, yes, Batman will be appearing in this story eventually. You're probably not that excited to see him in real life, so I dunno why you're so excited about seeing him in this."

"I object to false advertising," replied Tetch. "One should always say what one means, and to call a story 'Batbusters' without there being any bats to bust is the definition of false advertising."

"Actually, I think that would be _The Neverending Story_ ," retorted Joker. "Speaking of which, this story is never gonna end if you people keep interrupting, so can you cut it out before I have to cut out your tongues? It's really a fitting punishment for rudeness, and I think completely justifiable at this point. This is your only warning."

Everyone muttered their agreement, and Joker resumed the narrative.

The next morning, Dr. Quinzel came downstairs to breakfast with dark circles under her eyes. "Morning, everyone," she murmured, rubbing her eyes. "Dr. Nygma, what happened to you?" she asked, noticing the ink stains all over him.

"I don't want to talk about it," snapped Dr. Nygma.

"I hope I didn't do that," said Dr. Quinzel. "But I'm so tired, I feel like I didn't sleep a wink last night, so something must have happened."

"Yes, something did," agreed Dr. Tetch. "But on the plus side, we figured out what's possessing you."

"Oh, that's…great," stammered Dr. Quinzel. "What is it?"

"It's an ancient goddess," replied Dr. Crane. "Called Toxicodendron Radicans. Or Poison Ivy in English."

"I'm being possessed by a plant?" asked Dr. Quinzel, confused.

"A plant goddess," corrected Dr. Tetch. "When you were under her power, you were able to grow these monstrous plants and control them. You nearly killed Dr. Joker."

"I did?" asked Dr. Quinzel, turning to him in concern. "I'm so sorry…did I do that?" she asked, pointing to his bandaged arm.

"It's just a scratch, Doc, don't worry," said Dr. Joker. "Anyway, you probably think I deserve worse after I tried to get fresh with you last night."

She stared at him, surprised. "No, I…I thought you got cold feet. I remember getting close to you and then…you left. I mean, we'd only just met – I guess you thought it wouldn't be appropriate…"

"What are you talking about?" he interrupted. "You threw me out."

"I…I did?" she stammered, confused. "But…that doesn't sound like something I would do. I mean, not to someone I liked."

"So you're saying…you do like me?" asked Dr. Joker slowly, smiling at her.

"Look, we're getting off topic!" snapped Dr. Crane. "Now that we know what this thing is, we need to look into getting it out of Dr. Quinzel somehow."

"How are you gonna do that?" asked Dr. Quinzel, nervously.

"Edward is working on developing a way, aren't you, Edward?" asked Dr. Tetch.

"Yes, theoretically it should work, but it's going to take a little time," replied Dr. Nygma. "Which could be problematic depending on the increasing frequency of your possessions."

"What does that mean?" asked Dr. Quinzel.

"Well, since yesterday, you've been possessed once when you threw out Dr. Joker, once when you were sleepwalking, and once when you tried to kill him with plants," retorted Dr. Nygma. "That's three times in the space of a few hours. I surmise that the frequency is only going to increase, until eventually the possession will be permanent."

"I'm not gonna let that happen," snapped Dr. Joker.

"And just how are you going to stop it?" demanded Dr. Nygma. "Shaking her or striking her to wake her up won't work, and that's probably all your brutish brain can come up with. To combat a supernatural force, we're going to need supernatural powers, or in this case, scientific powers, which has always been more than a match for the supernatural."

"Dr. Nygma intends to take the negative energy this spirit exudes, and counteract it with positive energy, thereby destroying it," explained Dr. Tetch. "We're going to take a sample from the vegetable, and from your bloodstream if you don't mind, my dear, in order to isolate this energy, and then work on neutralizing it. Once we have done this, it should only be a simple matter of giving you a shot."

"That's it?" asked Dr. Joker. "I ain't seen any horror movies where the person is saved from possession by a shot. It's usually priests and exorcisms and things."

"Superstitious rubbish," sniffed Dr. Nygma. "This will be far more efficient, trust me."

"I hate shots," muttered Dr. Quinzel. "But if it saves me from possession, I guess it's worth it. Though frankly, I think I'd rather have the exorcism."

The telephone rang at that moment. "I'll get it," said Dr. Crane, heading into the living room.

"If you've finished your breakfast, my dear, we really shouldn't waste anymore time," said Dr. Tetch, standing up. "I know you hate shots, but let's get that blood sample."

Dr. Quinzel nodded, standing up slowly. "I'll come with you," said Dr. Joker, joining them. "Best thing to do during shots is to be distracted, and I'm very distracting, so I'm told."

"None of us mean that in a complimentary way," snapped Dr. Nygma.

"I appreciate it," said Dr. Quinzel, smiling at Dr. Joker.

"You like jokes?" asked Dr. Joker, sitting down across from her as Dr. Tetch reached for a syringe. "Here's one – there's this ancient plant goddess who somehow thinks that she's gonna permanently take over this beautiful, strong, and smart doctor. It's obviously a joke that she thinks she's gonna succeed."

"I don't see why," interrupted Dr. Nygma, as Dr. Quinzel smiled at Dr. Joker again. "Being beautiful doesn't do anything against ancient deities, and neither does being strong or smart."

"C'mon, she was strong enough to last this long – that's gotta count for something," retorted Dr. Joker. "She's a fighter, ain't ya, toots?" he asked, smiling at her. "Old Planty ain't gonna get you without a fight."

"Well, of course I'll do my best," she replied. "But I think that's mostly why it attacks when I'm asleep – so that my will isn't as strong, and I can't fight back."

"That's why we're here," said Dr. Tetch, inserting the syringe and drawing out the blood sample. "To fight the battles you can't."

"Yeah, your fate depends on three nerds, and me," said Dr. Joker, rolling his eyes. "You must feel so reassured, Doc."

"I do, actually," she said, smiling at him. "I have faith in all of you."

"Probably misplaced, in Eddie's case," added Dr. Joker.

"Shut up!" snapped Dr. Nygma.

Dr. Crane entered the room slowly, his face pale. "Something the matter, Jonathan?" asked Dr. Tetch.

"You could say that," he replied, nodding. "That was the mayor's office. He says the police have been inundated with calls for the past several hours about giant, man-eating plants popping up all over the city."

"What?" demanded Dr. Tetch. "Well, this is one of those times you wish you had a TV!"

"Or the internet," agreed Dr. Joker.

"The mayor said they called all manner of gardeners and exterminators, tried to trim them back and dropped poison on them, but nothing's worked. He said it seemed almost supernatural, and knowing that's our specialty, he contacted us. I think we all know who's behind this."

"Poison Ivy," said Dr. Joker, nodding.

"Yes, her invasion is beginning," said Dr. Crane. "And it will end with Dr. Quinzel being lost to us, and replaced with her."

"Over my dead body," snapped Dr. Joker.

"That's very likely," agreed Dr. Crane, nodding. "Unless we can get this antidote working soon."

"I'll get right on it," said Dr. Nygma, hurrying off.

"I stand corrected," said Dr. Joker. "The fate of the world depends on three nerds and me."

"Yes," agreed Dr. Crane with a sigh. "We're doomed."


	9. Chapter 9

"I still don't think bringing Dr. Quinzel was a great idea," spoke up Dr. Nygma from the backseat of the car.

"Look, if you've ever seen a horror movie, the biggest mistake everyone makes is leaving the vulnerable person alone, or with someone useless to guard them," retorted Dr. Joker. "That's a surefire way to lose that person, and I ain't losing Dr. Quinzel."

"But to bring her into the center of danger like this, when she's the one Ivy wants to possess, doesn't seem like the smartest move to me," retorted Dr. Nygma.

"Well, it's actually ultimately my decision, so stop talking about me like I'm not here," said Dr. Quinzel. "And I am not being left alone when I have this threat of possession hanging over me."

"I told you, after that shot I gave you, it would be highly unlikely for you to be possessed again," retorted Dr. Nygma.

"And I told you, I don't feel any different, so I don't know that it worked," said Dr. Quinzel. "I don't think this spirit or goddess or whatever is the type to just release me without a fight."

"Yes, judging by this carnage, she's fairly vindictive," commented Dr. Crane, as he drove them past ruined and wrecked buildings consumed by giant vines.

"So what's the plan?" asked Dr. Joker. "Just start blasting any of these weird plant things we see?"

"According to these readings, the energy is getting stronger," said Dr. Tetch, who was holding a device out the window. "We just need to find the point where it's strongest, and attack there, because that's probably the point where Ivy's plants will have originated from. If we can hit them at the source, not only will we hopefully halt the invasion, but the other plants will undoubtedly be drawn back to defend the portal. Then we can destroy them all in one fell swoop."

"Assuming they don't get us first, of course," said Dr. Nygma.

"God, you are such a downer, aren't you?" demanded Dr. Joker. "Do you just have no faith in your own inventions or what?"

"No, my proton packs will work perfectly," sniffed Dr. Nygma. "I just don't know if the four of us will be able to take down so many enemies without them taking us down first."

"Five of us," spoke up Dr. Quinzel.

"You don't have a proton pack," retorted Dr. Nygma. "I'm not giving one to a potentially possessed woman."

"There you go – having no faith in your abilities again," said Dr. Joker. "Are you saying your shot didn't work?"

"Again, I believe it did, but who knows what kind of strength this entity has in her own territory?" said Dr. Nygma. "Maybe she feeds off these plants, maybe she can channel them to feed off Dr. Quinzel and possess her again. I have no idea what this thing is capable of in terms of power because I have no previous data to extrapolate from. She is a goddess, after all, a supreme being, and we're fairly foolish for choosing to go up against her."

"Just a ray of sunshine, swear to God," muttered Dr. Joker.

"Well, he is right – the odds are against us," commented Dr. Crane.

"If we don't succeed in stopping Ivy, Dr. Quinzel, as well as the whole world, will be lost," said Dr. Tetch. "Therefore we have no choice. We must succeed."

"The world can go to hell," retorted Dr. Joker. "But I ain't losing Dr. Quinzel to some moldy old plant goddess."

"I'd rather we didn't lose the world either," retorted Dr. Tetch. "There," he said, pointing. "As I suspected, the origin of the signal is coming from Dr. Quinzel's apartment complex."

"Yeah…I think we coulda guessed it was all coming from there even without your little machine," said Dr. Joker, slowly, as they pulled the car up in front of the building, which was now completely covered in vines and creeping ivy, so that you could barely tell there was a building underneath it. At the top of the building, a swirling, green vortex hung ominously overhead, and occasionally bizarre and vicious-looking plants would slither out of it.

Dr. Nygma opened the trunk and took out four large backpacks with guns attached. "Here," he said, handing one to each of them. "Whatever you do, don't cross the streams, and don't shoot it at anything you don't want to die. Assuming that it can die, of course."

"Your building has an elevator, right?" asked Dr. Joker, looking up at the top far above them.

"Judging by the plant infestation, it's probably out of order," said Dr. Quinzel.

"We have to climb a hundred flights of stairs with these on our backs?" asked Dr. Joker. "The nerds are gonna faint."

"Actually, that is very likely," agreed Dr. Tetch. "And deeply ironic that we'll probably be defeated before we even get to face the enemy. We should have brought a grappling hook or something."

Suddenly, several plant vines shot out from the building, wrapping themselves tightly around the five of them and dragging them up to the roof.

"Hey, lucky break!" exclaimed Dr. Joker. "Maybe the Plant Lady's all right after all!"

The vines dropped them on top of the roof, and Dr. Joker slowly straightened up. "Or maybe not," he finished, noticing the ring of giant venus flytraps which surrounded them.

A beam of green light suddenly shot out from the portal, enveloping Dr. Quinzel and dragging her forward toward the plants.

"No!" shouted Dr. Joker, grabbing her, but the pull of the beam was too strong, ripping her out of his arms.

To their surprise, the venus flytraps bowed to her as she passed. They saw her blue eyes flickering across her panicked face as she stretched out her arms to Dr. Joker. "Please help me," she whispered.

And then the green infected her eyes, and her face turned hard and cruel. "Pathetic mortal fools," she spat, glaring at their guns. "You dare challenge me?"

"That's right!" snapped Dr. Joker, raising his gun and aiming it at her. "You bring Dr. Quinzel back right now, or you're getting a face full of positivity!"

She smiled coldly. "This body is now mine," she murmured. "I have destroyed Dr. Quinzel, and now I will destroy you."

She raised her arms, and Dr. Joker suddenly fired at her, shooting her straight in the face. The beam knocked her back, and she hit the wall, winded. Her face twisted in fury.

"You show some strength," she growled, standing up slowly. "Are you a god?"

"No, just an incredible genius who invented a ray that works against gods," spoke up Dr. Nygma.

She smiled again. "Then it will be so much more rewarding to crush you," she growled, raising her arms again.

Her plant vines suddenly seized them, dragging them toward the edge of the building. "Shoot the vines and not each other!" shouted Dr. Tetch.

"No promises!" snapped Dr. Joker. They managed to disentangle themselves from the vines before they could drag them off the edge, and Dr. Joker rounded on Dr. Nygma furiously. "Eddie, when someone asks you if you're a god, you say yes!" he shouted.

"I'm not going to let people think my genius is because of some supernatural reason!" snapped Dr. Nygma. "Frankly, I'm just so much smarter than everyone else!"

"No, a smart person would have lied!" snapped Dr. Joker. "You're an idiot who nearly got us killed! Now I'm gonna go teach this ancient bitch a lesson!" he said, storming back over to her. "Last chance, sweetheart!" he said, raising his gun again. "Bring back Dr. Quinzel, or you're gonna get this times four!"

She smiled again. "I will not risk harm to my new body," she murmured. "So I shall not destroy you personally and risk injury due to some pitiful attempt at resistance against your extermination. I shall leave it to your choice."

"Leave what to our choice?" demanded Dr. Joker.

"You must choose the form my destroyer shall take," she replied. "I leave that to be your final decision before you and the rest of the worthless meatsacks of this planet are wiped from the earth by Mother Nature, in other words, me," she added with a smirk.

"You know, humans are part of nature too, so wanting to wipe us from the earth makes you a pretty terrible mother," commented Dr. Joker.

"Perhaps," she agreed, nodding. "Or perhaps when a mother realizes she's given birth to a monster, she has a duty to destroy it before it can destroy the rest of the world. Which I will now, so choose the form. Merely think of it, and it will appear."

"Uh uh, lady, I ain't thinking of nothing!" snapped Dr. Joker. "My head's completely empty!"

"Some would say that's your usual state," said Dr. Nygma.

"You're not helping, Eddie!" snapped Dr. Joker.

"Your companions will choose," she continued, turning to them.

"Well, that's not fair – it's impossible for a genius such as myself to empty my head of all thoughts," retorted Dr. Nygma.

"The form has been chosen," she said, nodding.

"Wait, what did you think of?" demanded Dr. Joker, rounding on him.

"Nothing specific," retorted Dr. Nygma.

"What about you, Johnny?" demanded Dr. Joker.

"I'm terrified beyond the capacity for rational thought," replied Dr. Crane.

"I guess women do have that effect on you," retorted Dr. Joker, nodding.

They all turned to look at Dr. Tetch. "Tetchy?" demanded Dr. Joker. "What did you think of?"

"I…I couldn't help it," stammered Dr. Tetch. "It just popped in there."

"What just popped in there?" shouted Dr. Joker.

"I…I was thinking of nonsense poetry, from my favorite book, _Alice's Adventures in Wonderland_ , and the poem that the Dormouse recites at the Mad Tea Party, which begins, 'Twinkle, twinkle little…" began Dr. Tetch.

They suddenly heard a thud behind them, and the building they were on shook. "Is it a giant star?" asked Dr. Joker. "Giant dormouse? Giant teapot? What is it?!"

Dr. Tetch shook his head slowly. "It's…the Batman," he stammered.


	10. Chapter 10

"Well…there's something you don't see every day," said Dr. Joker at last.

They were staring at what appeared to be a giant man in a bat costume storming through the streets of Gotham, terrorizing its citizens. It stomped on buildings, seemingly heedless of the destruction it caused, as its blank, bright eyes behind the bat mask fixed on the top of the building where they stood.

"You know, technically that isn't a little bat," commented Dr. Nygma. "So it's not exactly what you chose, Jervis."

"You think if we call her on a technicality she'll rethink this whole destroying the world thing?" demanded Dr. Joker. "She's a plant goddess bent on genocide, not a lawyer! Though I admit they're probably the same level of evil…"

"What are we going to do?" interrupted Dr. Tetch. "We have to stop this somehow – we're the only ones who can. And I do feel partially responsible."

"Partially?" repeated Dr. Joker. "You're completely responsible!"

"For the form, yes," retorted Dr. Tetch. "But she was going to attempt to destroy the world anyway – if I hadn't picked a form, she would probably just have made up one of her own. You can't blame me for this destruction."

"No, but I can blame you for the giant Batman terrorizing our city!" snapped Dr. Joker. "I don't want Gotham to be famous for being the destructive playground of some bat weirdo! And yes, I am breaking the fourth wall – I do that! Now let's try shooting it!" he shouted, pulling the trigger on his proton pack and sending a beam of energy straight at the Batman.

It fell back slightly, and then looked up at him, its eyes burning in fury. It trudged slowly toward the building, its cape billowing out around it.

"Great job – you got its attention!" snapped Dr. Nygma. "If you had just let it rampage a while, maybe the three of us could have thought of a clever way to defeat it, but no, you just start shooting like some brainless brute totally dependent on violence to solve problems!"

"I got news for you, Eddie – violence is the only way we're gonna defeat this thing!" shouted Dr. Joker. "Anyway, he started it by smashing the city!"

"Well, looks to me that your weapon has proved ineffective, and we're doomed!" shouted Dr. Nygma.

"It's actually _your_ weapon, and don't blame me if you didn't account for a giant supernatural force when we're battling a goddess – you're supposed to be a genius!" shouted Dr. Joker.

"Wait a minute, wait a minute!" exclaimed Dr. Crane. "Perhaps the answer is in the combination of brain and brawn!"

"What do you mean?" asked Dr. Tetch.

"I mean shoot it, but shoot it in a critical area that might actually do some good," retorted Dr. Crane. "Like the place all this came from," he added, nodding up at the portal above them.

"It'll take more firepower than we have to close that portal," snapped Dr. Nygma.

"Not if we combine our energy," said Dr. Crane. "And cross the streams."

"Are you insane?" demanded Dr. Nygma. "That will end all life in this universe as we know it!"

"Plant Lady's probably gonna do that for us," replied Dr. Joker. "All human life anyway, and if we're going down, we're taking the universe with us, or my name ain't the Joker!"

"Dr. Joker," corrected Dr. Tetch.

"I know my own name!" snapped Dr. Joker.

"So you've been lying about being a doctor all this time?" demanded Dr. Crane.

"Look, now is not the time for this conversation!" snapped Dr. Joker. "Now is the time to kill this giant Batman by any means necessary! If that means ending the universe, so be it. They'll only reboot it again in a couple years. And yes, I'm breaking the fourth wall again."

"We can't think of any better plan than this?" asked Dr. Tetch, slowly.

"No time!" snapped Dr. Joker, as the building shook again as the giant Batman grabbed ahold of it and began to climb up toward them, taking whole floors in his stride. "We have to kill it now!"

Dr. Tetch sighed reluctantly, gripping his gun and aiming it. "Well…see you on the other side, gentlemen."

"Ladies first," said Dr. Joker.

Dr. Tetch sighed, and then fired his gun up into the swirling vortex above them. He was soon joined by Dr. Crane, Dr. Nygma, and Dr. Joker. Their beams crossed to make one giant beam, and the portal began to spark.

"No!" shrieked Ivy, and then she gasped in pain as sparks began to fly off her body. "No!" she screamed, racing toward them. "You cannot destroy me!"

She leaped on Dr. Joker, seizing him around the back of his neck. "Sorry…to do this to your body…toots!" Dr. Joker gasped, and then suddenly slammed his head back into her face. She let go, and Dr. Joker whirled around, hitting her across the face with his gun. She fell to the ground unconscious, and Dr. Joker turned back to the portal, crossing the streams and firing again. The building shook wildly as the Batman clung on, thrashing in pain, as he too began to disintegrate. The portal began to shrink, sucking all the dark clouds surrounding it into it, until it collapsed completely on itself, and then with a huge bang and a force that sent all four of them flying across the roof, it disappeared.

"Everyone ok?" gasped Dr. Joker, coughing as he climbed slowly to his feet.

"Yes, I'm fine," said Dr. Nygma, standing up on the opposite side of the roof.

"Too bad," muttered Dr. Joker. "Craney? Tetchy? You ok?"

"Yes, I think so," said Dr. Tetch.

"It's a miracle," said Dr. Crane, patting himself down. "We're all ok, and the universe is still here."

"Well, maybe not," said Dr. Joker, shrugging. "You never know what's real and what's not, do you?"

"Maybe you don't," retorted Dr. Nygma. "I know that thanks to my technology, we just saved the world. That makes me a hero."

"Well, we all helped," pointed out Dr. Tetch.

"I'm not sharing the hero credit with some hangers on," retorted Dr. Nygma. "This is my invention, and I'm going to be the one a grateful world bows down to."

"Uh huh, that'll be the day," said Dr. Joker, rolling his eyes. "No way the world is ever gonna venerate a nerd. It's far more likely that in the sequel, everyone will forget about what we did and we'll be reduced to being hired entertainment at children's parties. And believe me, I've done the birthday party clown gig, and I'm not looking forward to doing it again."

"What sequel? What are you talking about?" asked Dr. Crane.

"He's obviously just shell-shocked from the experience," sniffed Dr. Nygma.

"I, for one, hope there's no sequel to this whole dreadful affair," replied Dr. Tetch. "Another monster bent on destroying Gotham City would be unbearable."

"Actually, it happens more often than you think," said Dr. Joker.

"Speaking of which, is Ivy gone?" asked Dr. Crane.

"Well, if the host body dies, then she dies too," said Dr. Nygma, nodding at Dr. Quinzel's body, which lay still on the ground. "And Dr. Quinzel looks pretty dead to me. So mission accomplished."

Dr. Crane knelt down, lifting Dr. Quinzel's wrist and feeling for a pulse. "I'm afraid…he's right," he stammered. "I'm afraid…exorcising Ivy must have killed her."

"No, I don't buy that," retorted Dr. Joker, picking her up gently. "She's stronger than that Plant Bitch. She wouldn't have given up the ghost without a fight."

"I think it was giving up the ghost that made her give up the ghost," retorted Dr. Nygma.

"You should stop trying to be funny, because you're not," snapped Dr. Joker.

"Yes, and now is not the time for jokes," retorted Dr. Crane, glaring at him.

"Oh, it's always time for jokes," replied Dr. Joker. "It's just puns I hate. The lowest form of humor, swear to God, that and prop comedy."

He gazed down at Dr. Quinzel's body cradled in his arms. "But somehow jokes do seem less funny right now," he murmured. "Normally I love laughing at the pain and death of others, but…not now. She was special, y'see. She was more than a punchline like the rest of humanity. Why couldn't the Plant Bitch have picked on one of them? Why did she have to take…"

He trailed off, and then bent down and kissed Dr. Quinzel softly on the lips. "I'm sorry I couldn't save you, sweets," he whispered.

Suddenly, Dr. Quinzel stirred in his arms. "Mmm, what happened?" she asked, waking slowly and gazing up at him with her wide, blue eyes.

He stared back at her. "Sweets…you're all right," he said, touching her cheek gently.

"Yeah," she agreed. "I feel…like I just woke up from a long nap. What happened? Did you defeat Ivy?"

"Well, we defeated her minions," said Dr. Joker, smiling at her. "But I kinda suspect you defeated her, toots."

Dr. Quinzel beamed at him, and leaned forward to kiss him again. "Ow, my head!" she exclaimed suddenly. "And my nose! I feel like I've been punched across the face!"

"Yeah, you attacked me when you were controlled by the Plant," replied Dr. Joker. "She clearly really didn't like me, for some reason."

"Imagine that," said Dr. Nygma, sarcastically.

"Well…she's gone," said Dr. Quinzel, gazing at Dr. Joker. "And I like you. I like you a lot."

"Yeah?" he asked.

"Yeah," she said, beaming at him. Their mouths drew together again in a passionate kiss as the sun rose over Gotham City, plant-ravaged but Bat-free, thanks to the Batbusters.


	11. Chapter 11

"So they defeated an ancient plant goddess, but they're calling themselves the Batbusters?" asked Tetch, when the story was over.

"Well, Plantbusters doesn't sound as cool," replied Joker. "Sounds more like a weed killing service."

"Batbusters sounds like a pest control service," commented Crane. "A grammatically incorrect pest control service which I, for one, would never use."

"Well, that's basically what we all are," agreed Joker, nodding. "Trying to control the pest that is Batman, with limited success. Still, I'm sure he has better things to do than bother us on Halloween."

Crane suddenly stood up, glancing at his watch. "Good heavens, look at the time!" he exclaimed. "That story took much longer than I thought! The guests are going to arrive any second now, and I still haven't finished carving the pumpkins!"

"Hey, I can help," said Joker. "I'm pretty handy with a knife, or so my victims tell me. Well, they would if I left them in a state where they could talk, of course."

"No, I'll handle it," snapped Crane. "You just stay here and let the guests in. And stop eating the candy – there'll be none left for the trick or treaters!" he exclaimed, noticing the almost empty bowl in the Joker's hand.

"They shoulda got here earlier," retorted Joker. "Anyway, I don't approve of kids going around begging for candy, even if they are dressed in costumes. We should teach them self-reliance at a young age, not to depend on strangers for handouts. In fact, we should poison this candy just to teach them a lesson about not trusting strangers."

"You're not poisoning candy I'm giving to children," retorted Tetch. "That's monstrous."

"Yeah, I draw the line at hurting kids," agreed Harley, nodding. "A lotta times, grown-ups ask for it, but kids are too young to know any better."

"Maybe some children are," sniffed Nygma. "I was an exceptionally brilliant child who knew about ten times more than your average adult."

"And you grew into an adult with no social skills to speak of, and no friends," said Joker, nodding. "Kinda a step backwards, if you ask me."

"I didn't have friends as a child either – I didn't need them then, and I don't need them now," retorted Nygma.

"So what are you doing at our party?" asked Tetch.

"I was chastising you for this silly ghost hunting idea," retorted Nygma. "Of which I will be having no part of, and will loudly mock all who indulge you."

"In that case, perhaps you had better leave," said Tetch. "Anyway, Jonathan wants to do this as a psychological experiment rather than an actual ghost hunt."

"That's even worse!" exclaimed Harley. "That's always how these things start in the horror movies – skeptics are trying to disprove something, and then they inadvertently invite it in, and it kills everyone! Well, I ain't sticking around here for that to happen! C'mon, puddin' – we'll have our own Halloween party at home, safe from vengeful ghosts and demons and whatever else this is gonna summon!"

The doorbell rang at that moment, and Joker went to answer it. "Looks like it just summoned the Weed Lady," he commented. "Which I suppose is in keeping with the story."

"What story?" asked Poison Ivy, entering the apartment also dressed as a Ghostbuster. She and Joker just looked at each other. "Well…this is awkward," she said at last.

"More than you know," agreed Joker, nodding. "I just told a variation on _Ghostbusters_ where you were the thing that got busted."

"That's typical of you," sighed Ivy. "Anyway, I thought the costume would be in keeping with the ghost hunting theme. I was never really into _Ghostbusters_ before, but then they did the remake last year with the all female cast, and for some reason, that one really spoke to me."

"Probably because it wasn't funny, and you have no sense of humor," said Joker, nodding.

"Actually, I think you'll find the original one wasn't funny, since Bill Murray's character was a sexual harasser," snapped Ivy. "The only women in that movie were either being unwantedly hit on or shot with ray guns."

"And yet, it's hilarious, so maybe that has something to do with it," retorted Joker.

"Violence against women isn't funny!" snapped Ivy.

"Oh, sure it is! I'll show you," he said, raising a fist to hit her. Ivy slammed her gun across his face before he could, and in response, Joker hit her with his proton pack.

"Stop, stop, stop!" shouted Crane, racing back into the room clutching a half-carved pumpkin. "You'll knock over the decorations!"

"What the hell are you doing?!" shrieked Ivy suddenly, glaring at him in fury.

"What?" asked Crane, puzzled.

"You're mutilating my baby?!" shrieked Ivy, throwing a finger at the pumpkin. "Isn't it enough that you pluck it off its stem, wrenching it from its bed in the warm earth and into an early grave, without taking a knife to its remains for some gaudy decoration?!"

"Hey, maybe Pammie will be communicating with a pumpkin ghost later!" chuckled Joker. He was hit across the face again.

"I will not have any part of this barbarity!" screamed Ivy, storming toward the door. "And I'm texting the other guests telling them not to come to this disgusting celebration of plant murder under pain of death! Maybe then you'll learn to respect Mother Nature, you creep!"

She slammed the door shut. "I gotta hand it to Pammie, she does know how to kill a party," commented Joker.

"We're gonna go home too, Johnny," said Harley, heading for the door and dragging Joker after her. "Nothing personal – I just don't wanna be messing around with all that occult stuff. And if you turn up mysteriously dead tomorrow, I promise I won't rest until the cops believe it was a supernatural entity that did it. Happy Halloween," she said, shutting the door behind her.

"I'm going too," said Nygma, following them. "Enjoy your…party," he said, smirking as he shut the door.

"Well, it looks like it's just us," commented Tetch. "On the bright side, there's still some candy left over for the trick or treaters."

"No, I need it," snapped Crane, grabbing the bowl from him. "It'll make me feel better after my ruined party. And on top of that, I had to endure a Joker story. It's been a hell of a Halloween."

"Well, there's always next year," said Tetch, cheerfully. "And we've learned that we simply have to avoid mentioning ghost hunting, or carving pumpkins. That shouldn't be too difficult."

"How can you have Halloween without carved pumpkins?" demanded Crane. "That's essential to any respectable Halloween party!"

"Well then, perhaps we just shouldn't invite Ivy next year," said Tetch.

"Yes. I don't agree with Joker much, but making her some pushy plant goddess bent on destroying everything is certainly in character," muttered Crane, shoving a bar of chocolate into his mouth. "And unlike in the Joker's fiction, in reality, sometimes the bad people win."

"Yes, like Batman," agreed Tetch, nodding.

"At least I can still ruin his Halloween," said Crane, heading back to his study. "I think Gotham needs an extra little jolt of fear tonight – I'm going to plant a fear gas bomb in Ace Chemicals which I'll amplify to cover the entire East Coast of America. And hopefully poison lots of plants too. That'll teach her to ruin my Halloween party," he muttered.

 **The End**


End file.
